Christmas by P. Rodeo. (Translated from the Dutch original by Jos van Kan). The general looked out of the window and saw the wet snow gradually transform into rain. The room's stove was empty and cold, since he, in spite of his servant's ample admonitions, had forgotten to take proper care of it. His servant was on Christmas holiday for three days and only two days later a cleaning woman would appear to take care of the general's breakfast. On Christmas Eve the Club was closed: loneliness and cold were the general's only companions. He first took consolation in the consideration that loneliness and cold were after all more attractive companions than his sister's children and grandchildren. The last few years he had spent Christmas at her place and had been forced to sing Christmas carols and watch charades in which invariably a pompous and ridiculous warrior had been put on stage. In particular his sister's eldest daughter aggravated him, a girl with nymphomaniac tendencies, that missed every form of modesty and made fun of the narrow-mindedness of older generations with her boyfriend, who no less missed any form of proper civilization. The general shivered at the thought, that he would have been seated next to the girl Mirabelle, facing the young lad Luke, had he not found the courage to fake sudden illnes. The general kept shivering and noticed that it was because of the cold now. He put on his overcoat and went into the street. Our city has one modern hotel where summer guests can spend a quick buck at the bar. Repeatedly the general had expressed his contempt for this locality only a five minutes' walk away from his home. When he stood in front of it that particular night, and the rain in its turn transformed into wet snow again, he was captured by curiosity, as to who could have sunk so low to go to a dump like that on a night like this. He entered and saw against a background of green garlands, holly and Christmas bells, Bullifax and me sitting at the bar with a short fat man between us. "That settles it", said the general, "I always had my suspicions." I addressed him and said I'd like to introduce my friend Schlemilov to him. The general put on a distrusting look, but Schlemilov said: "I only have played bridge with Rodeo a couple of times, but apart from that I don't know him. When you entered he said he would introduce me to his friend the general." Bullifax said: "Schlemilov is a formidable bridge player, general." "We shall go tonight to my sister and her husband", I said. "Another couple will be there too. If you come along we can exactly make up two tables. My sister will like that. Bullifax will accompany us, because his wife is in Switzerland." The general looked as if he wanted to say that he preferred the snow and his unheated room, until Bullifax said: "Then we can see at once whether you can hold your own against a really good player like Schlemilov." The general and Schlemilov looked like two professional boxers who were telling the press what they intended to do to their opponents. I could see what the general was thinking: "When I have finished with this gang leader he will drag himself to his cave in the mountains and spend the rest of his life reading Winnie the Pooh to his mates." Schlemilov thought: "After this night this would be strategist will understand that the only thing he can really do with cards is building houses for his great-grandchildren." We left the bar and went with Bullifax's car to my brother in law d'Iscreet's home, that lies in a neighboring city. We found my sister and her husband, together with an almost-but-not-yet adult girl and a young man named Jonathan, sitting around a heavily laden Christmas tree. The general apparently liked the company and my brother in law was so surprised that I had brought someone like the general, that he, contrary to his habit, called me by my name twice that night. (He usually calls me mr. Rodeo, because he knows that I borrow money from everyone that does not call me mister.) It appeared that the girl's name was Beth and the general looked approvingly when he heard my sister calling her that. "Beth" he thought "is a name true in its simplicity, much better than an exotic frivolity like Mirabelle. She looks modest and friendly too." The young man Jonathan was her betrothed. Beth told, while he curled in a mixture of pride and embarrassment, that he was the best bridge player in the world. Bullifax, who since his wife's departure had been drinking rum instead of coffee, laughed loudly at that, but the general could take this enthousiasm very well. He had often met these local celebrities with their fans and they anyhow compared favorably to the brainless Mirabelle who a year ago, accompanied by loud approval from the undescribable Luke, had said, that bridge was only suited to keep old folks from dirty talk for a couple of hours. Soon we started to play. Bullifax and I started against Bet and Jonathan and at the other table my sister and the general played against Schlemilov and her husband. My sister and her husband often argue who of the two plays best. After seven years I still don't know. Whenever I play with one I'm convinced it must be the other. Schlemilov and the general, permeated by the knowledge that every missed opportunity to shine, would be exposed by the other as an outright blunder, were sitting somewhat like two carnivores poised to jump for the jugular vein. And when a deal did not offer a possibility to excel, they still slugged it out in the post mortem. "When mrs. d'Iscreet does not give a ruff sluff, I'd have to play for a transfer squeeze." "Of course". "When mr. d'Iscreet does not forget to ruff, I'd still have won by a sqeeze strip." "Naturally." After an hour and a half my sister proposed that the girl Beth and the young man Jonathan should play a rubber against Schlemilov and the general. Jonathan looked a bit worried. I knew he feared for his reputation, because it appeared, that the only reason Beth thought the world of him was that she had no notion of the game at all. In the rubbers against Bullifax and me all had gone well, because he had gotten good cards and Bullifax, inspired by the brandy repeatedly took an Ace for a deuce and vice versa. But against Schlemilov and the general his reputation would be in jeopardy; furthermore I had the impression that Jonathan, however friendly and nice he might be, was conspicuously lacking in further qualities to capture a young woman's attention. Her admiration for his card playing ability therefore was not something to put on the line lightly. However, it was impossible to refuse; so he laughed miserably like a candidate trying to convince cruel professors of his good intentions. He seated himself opposite Beth. "Do you play often?" Beth asked her opponents. "It is always nice to play with my fiancee. He will explain your errors friendly and quietly." The general and Schlemilov could cope with almost anything after a couple of rubbers with the d'Iscreets; on top of that, each of them knew, that although the other had not made a clear error, he himself had shone brighter. Therefore they only cast a surprised look at Jonathan, who with trembling hands dealt the cards. At first no catastrophes happened. All hands Jonathan got to handle were simple and after half an hour Beth and he won the first rubber, be it only with 10 points difference because of a couple of ordinary accidents caused by Beth. In the second rubber things threatened to take a turn for the worse. After Jonathan and Beth made a game the following hand was dealt: Schlemilov S A54 H QJ10952 D KQ C 32 Beth Jonathan S J10 S Q9632 H A83 H K76 D 652 D 987 C AJ1064 C 98 General S K87 H 4 D AJ1043 C KQ75 Dealer S, EW vul The general opened 1D; Beth overcalled with a frivolity only explainable by the mistletoe 2C. After Schlemilov had bid Hearts and the general NT they ended up in 5D. Beth led D6. The general saw that the contract was too high and that it probably would have been easier to get to 10 tricks in hearts or 9 in notrumps. Only an opponents' error could save him. He took the trick with DK and played HQ. The required error was duly coming forth: Jonathan threw H6. Beth took and continued with a trump. The general now could ruff out Jonathan's HK, draw trumps and reach the dummy with SA to discard four of his remaining five losers on the stiff hearts. Meanwhile we had stopped playing at the other table, because Bullifax in his liquid state of aggregation imagined that he not only was the world's best bridge player, but also its strongest athlete and to prove that, he wanted to tear up a deck of cards. He got no further than the uppermost card, but that was the ace of spades and my sister Madeleine, however impressed by his virility, did not want to expose her other decks to him. We stood behind the players at the other table when Jonathan committed his error and Bullifax, still one big lump of Tarzan, trumpeted like an elephant going to war: "Why didn't you play the king of hearts the first time, dude, then the general cannot set up dummy's hearts and still has to lose a couple of tricks." Jonathan looked shyly at his fiancee, whose face showed some surprise. "Don't pay attention to that man's inebriated hollering," said the general, "after all, I could have had the lone ace, or ace doubleton." It was a lame argument and I think that even Beth didn't buy it. Bullifax expanded his torso and yelled: "Yet I have seldom seen a play that stupid." Jonathan winced. The general said: "I'm tired of you Bullifax, shut up" and the following deal was dealt in silence: Schlemilov S J83 H 10752 D J53 C 872 Beth Jonathan S KQ1095 S A62 H A93 H KJ64 D Q9 D A64 C AQ4 C KJ3 General S 74 H Q8 D K10872 C 10965 Both sides vulnerable, W dealer. Beth opened 1S, Jonathan bid 2NT and while Schlemilov and the general passed continuously the young couple reached 6NT. The general led a club and Jonathan noticed that he stood a good chance to regain his stature in the eyes of his beloved. For it would escape her whether the hand was difficult or easy; it would be sufficient, that he ended the rubber with a small slam. Gratefully he saw that he was certain of eleven tricks. The twelfth would have to come from the DQ or a third heart. Hearts seemed best, because even if the general possessed HQ, both opponents could hold 3 hearts, which would promote the 13th heart into a trick. So he played HA and finessed HJ. The general won the Q and when it appeared that Schlemilov had started out with 4 hearts, Jonathan could no longer win his contract. Bullifax said: "First you must try if DK is on side, if not you can fall back on the heart finesse." "No," said Schlemilov, "it is all right to go after the hearts, but since he needs three tricks in that suit he should have played HK, HA and then H9 towards the J. He wins his contract independently of how the hearts break, as long as the general does not hold Q10xx." "Of course the hand must be played like that," said Bullifax. Jonathan wiped his brow. He did not dare to look at Beth, because, even though Schlemilov's words were somewhat soothing, it was clear that he stupidly had slapped fortune in the face. Schlemilov dealt the next hand: Schlemilov S Q32 H 6542 D 543 C 432 Beth Jonathan S 8 S J1094 H 873 H KQJ109 D J1098 D 72 C J10985 C KQ General S AK765 H A D AKQ6 C A76 Both sides vulnerable, North dealer. The bidding West North East South p 1H 2H (GF) p 2NT p 3S p 4S X all pass The general, who under normal circumstances would have considered the thirteen cards in his hand a reasonable acknowledgment of his merits, now was torn between two inner voices who tried to move him to perform completely opposite acts. "This girl Beth," said the first voice, "is on the verge of losing her admiration for this unhappy young man opposite her. First he presented you by his crummy defense with a game and after that he threw away a small slam. If you now finish the rubber by making this contract, doubled by him, she will remember, that in no way he is the intellectual miracle that she took him for. That would be sad, because she is a sweet girl, totally different from the miserable Mirabelle, and he is a good boy, incomparable to the loathsome Luke." "Nonsense, you must not listen to that," said the second inner voice "if the girl Beth lets her affection for her betrothed depend on how he handles the cards, she isn't worth a damn." The general looked straight in front of him, over Schlemilov's head to the Christmas tree where he saw an angel in a white frock and a green glass frog hanging together from a branch. "Most women aren't worth a damn," said the first voice again, while the general looked at the Christmas angel, "why would you disappoint her now already? You can lose the contract without anyone noticing that you haven't played perfectly. The pathetic Jonathan no doubt has four spades and five hearts and no more than two diamonds, because otherwise the lovely Beth would have held at least a sixcard club suit; she surely would have bid that. You lose a spade trick and two club tricks. It is easy to lose another one in diamonds; but you should not do this by playing three rounds of trumps and subsequently A, K and Q of diamonds as if you hope that Beth and Jonathan have three each. That would be too obvious. You must feign that you play for the extra possibility that Jonathan not only holds four trumps, but also four diamonds. That's why you should play only *two* rounds of trumps and then D A, K and Q. Beth can't ruff this in your scenario and you hope to ruff your D6 with dummy's third trump. You will fail, because not Jonathan, but Beth has four diamonds, but nobody will know that the hand could have been played better." The general shifted his gaze towards the glass frog and the second voice said: "Yes, perfect! Don't you think the derwish opposite you will swallow his cigar in his hurry to put you straight? He has thought out the best line already: after HA first SA; then D AK. Cross to dummy with SQ and play the last diamond from the board. Jonathan may ruff, but he will ruff a loser, since you throw your D6. If he does not ruff, you make your DQ and ruff your D6 in dummy. Jonathan may overruff, but he will make one trump trick either way and never more." "What does it matter," asked the first voice, "what do you care about the judgment of that illitterate across the table? Isn't this young woman's opinion of her not very intelligent, but attractive fiancee far more important?" "Yes, why not," said the second voice, as the general looked at the frog again, "throw the game away! Let this escaped serf from the Balkan prove to everybody that he plays better than you do, so that Bullifax can announce that at the Club. Then you get what you deserve, you sentimental old fool!" Enraged by this impudence the general jumped up. He went around the table towards the Christmas tree, seized the glass frog and smashed it. This brought him back to reality. "Forgive me", he said to Madeleine, "this frog remembered me of my grand niece. Tomorrow I shall have ten new ones delivered to you." Her husband said nothing, but the rest of the night he called me mr. Rodeo again. The general sat down, played two rounds of trumps, and played ace, king and queen of diamonds. Jonathan ruffed and had enough sense to play his last trump. The general still had to lose one diamond and two club tricks and was one trick short. He looked at Schlemilov, expecting a reprimand, but Schlemilov looked pensively and only said: "A pity. The cards were divided rather unfortunately. Could we move the table a little? I think the candles in the Christmas tree are bothering the general." Quickly Beth and Jonathan complied with this request. When they were seated again the young couple had traded places, but no one payed attention to that and Jonathan dealt the next hand: Beth S 5 H 107543 D 1098 C 9532 Schlemilov General S AK76 S QJ94 H K8 H AQJ962 D J732 D -- C 1087 C J64 Jonathan S 10832 H -- D AKQ654 C AKQ Both sides vulnerable, S dealer. Encouraged by the result on the previous deal Jonathan opened the bidding with 2D (strong) and although Schlemilov and the general were bidding spades and hearts he went straight to a 5D contract. Schlemilov led SK. When he won the first trick and saw dummy's cards Schlemilov understood how the hand had to be distributed to justify Jonathan's and the general's bidding. If he continued with spades, hearts or clubs Jonathan would be able to ruff three spades in dummy and would lose only DJ. If Schlemilov played a small D Jonathan could only ruff two spades, but would lose no trump trick. Schlemilov seized DJ. If he played that card, not only would Jonathan be able to ruff only two spades, but his D7 would make a trick as well. But Schlemilov put DJ back. He thought: "Should I, lineal descendant of one hundred gang leaders, be less chivalrous than this pompous governmental warrior? If he despises my opinion, why should I worry about his?" Firmly he threw SA on the table and Jonathan ruffed three spades with dummy's diamonds and only lost to the DJ. While Beth in exaltation whispered words of admiration, the general said to Schlemilov: "Even with J7xx in diamonds in one hand our able opponent could win his contract. Let's go home." As Bullifax was explaining to the host and hostess how he was planning to win next year both the Bermuda Bowl and the championship Greek-Roman wrestling, they ordered a cab. While they were driving home Schlemilov said: "The giants Bigomir and Narabum once were drunk and let themselves willingly be bound by the miller's son Imov, so he could win the princess's heart." When they reached the general's house they saw lights burning. "I'll come with you, maybe there's a burglar" said Schlemilov. "A burglar wouldn't care to come a second time after I finished with him" said the genral, "but be my guest." In the general's room the stove was burning and a small Christmas tree was standing in the corner. At the table the girl Mirabelle and the young man Luke were seated, and astonished as the general was, he noticed that she, using a deck of cards, was explaining the mechanism of a squeeze. "Hi, there you are," she said, jumping up, "when we heard that you were ill Luke and I could not let you ly alone without help, since your servant isn't in of course. That's why we came. Luke is lodged in the hotel and I am going to take care of you. I am glad you are out of bed, but we are staying anyhow. The rooms have to be done and you can't do the dishes." The general looked at her as if she was changing her ordinary dress into the white frock of the Christmas angel before his very eyes. His hand trembled and not because he feared for his glasses and dishes. The young man Luke was bowing shyly. "We were studying," he said, "last spring we started playing bridge. Mirabelle has lots of talent, but I realize that it will take me a lot of effort to learn it." They asked themselves why the general looked ashamed. It seemed as if he stuttered a bit as he said: " Dear children, surely we can play a rubber, but I don't mean very much as a bridge player either. Mr. Schlemilov, however, is an excellent player." Schlemilov was so moved by these words, that he took his cigar out of his mouth and said: "Don't believe any of this. There is no better player than your uncle, but he is too friendly to point out my blunders." They lighted the candles in the Christmas tree that the young people had brought with them and seated themselves around the fire. "As mr. Schlemilov and Luke talk bridge," the general said to Mirabelle, "you tell me how your grandmother is, and your parents and all other loved ones." They talked till well past midnight.